How America’s Newest Progressive Religion Was Born & Its 9 Advantages

 A  white unemployed man named Thad , who describes his own political beliefs as very progressive- transformed his life last month. He went from a pot-smoking loser, to the father of an extremely progressive religion. This change came after a realization that how he won a video game could make him filthy rich.

The dramatic reform began on a Friday afternoon,  in San Francisco. Thad was on a 13 hour bender of marijuana edibles and X-Box. He was losing 3-2 at Fifa Soccer as Team USA, to team France.  In a desperate attempt to make a comeback, Thad dropped to his hands and knees. He incoherently mumbled a prayer, "I really wanna win. Come on, Man. "

After the prayer, the game quickly swung in Thad's favor. First, he was awarded a phantom penalty kick which tied up the game during the final minute. With one second on the clock, his opponent kicked the ball into his own net to put him ahead, 4-3.

The incoherent mumbling coupled  with the random, "Come on, Man ," sparked an idea. This reminded him of a man that was very nearly his own God and savior, the great Joe Biden. 

From there, he thought of the best possible way to turn this into a money-making opportunity.  It clicked. He could start a religion called the Joe Biden Movement or JBM.

In  one month,  the movement  gained  all but one of San Francisco‘s 873, 324 residents as followers on Tik-Tok. Fox News interviewed the one remaining S.F. resident who is not yet  a Tik～Tok follower or a  JBM follor. His name is  Wilbur.  He told Fox News correspondent Tucker Carlson,

"Do I look dumber than a kid licking an electrical socket to you? 

"No Sir, you don’t look anything like the Establishment. Please, go on."

"Tik-Tok only has 2 things. "

"First thing  is idiots  who have never left their mom's basement talking  about why America is broken," 

"Second thing  is girls dancing in front of their bathroom mirror ?"

Tucker laughed. 

"Only a tool would watch that, Tucker？“

Word of an old white man daring to say that Tik-Tok was not a viable source of information consumption for the entire planet got back to Thad. This infuriated him so much that he started a hash tag that is now going viral, #cancelwilbur.

After the Hashtag was started, one of Wilbur's teachers from forty years back came out with a shocking revelation.It was truly horrifying.  Wilbur once showed a bad attitude during a lesson on Square Dancing in P.E. Class.

A month passed quicker than a socket licker could fail the Science exam,  and the JBM is on pace to surpass Christianity as the most popular Religion in America.  From this writer's perspective,  these are the nine advantages of the JBM.

1.）Say Goodbye To Easter Sunday Mass, & Hello to Free Crack

Easter in the Catholic religion is all about God's son, Jesus, and his incredible journey where he died for our sins on the cross.  The leader of the JBM decided in true Progressive spirit to honor the most terrible man alive, the big guy's son, Hunter Biden.

While Jesus valued love and forgiveness,  Hunter has also lead a tirelessly passionate and devout life in chasing after the thing most valuable to him, Crack .

 

Thad  brokered a deal as shady as some of Hunter's deals with Ukranian oil companies. Now,  the crack dealers  have agreed to offer all products free of charge to JBM followers.

2.）Hunter's Doctrine

From the Koran to the Bible, all religions seem to have left behind some dusty old book for its followers to guide their lives The leader determined that this new religion also needed a Good Book. He is calling it Hunter‘s Doctrine.

In a very progressive move even for Thad , he chose twelve of Hunter‘s disciples to record his most prominent teachings while writing the book. His chosen disciples happened to be twelve of Hunter's favorite prostitutes. 

The most popular section to date is how to get your elderly father to wire you tens of thousands of dollars for Crack. (READ MORE)

3.）Automatic Admittance Into Heaven For HyperOsmiacs  

We have all seen the big guy’s off-the-charts-creepy hairsniffing escapades.  Thad declared that Joe does this because he is affected by a rare condition of called hyperosmia.

Hyperosmia is a condition where people have the ability to pick up the subtlest of odors. The JBM Leader has declared that JB sniffs hair creepier than a child molester drives a van through the park, because he is doing God‘s work. 

Hyperosmia sufferers have been granted automatic admittance into the pearly gates of Heaven since the big guy suffered so much scrutiny throughout his political career  just for doing God‘s work. 

If you suffer from this condition,  you can get as creepy as you like. So, sniff up the perfumes and lady farts however much you want, because you got a guaranteed pass to Heaven

4.）Simplification  of  the prayer system

JBM followers don't need to worry about time-consuming Christian prayers such as the Hail Mary. Whether you are looking for a large bribe from the Chinese government,  or forgiveness for millions of dollars in tax fraud JBM followers only need to cross their cross their hands and say, " I need ____ Come on, Man,"The movement urges followers to say your prayers before 8 p.m., because that's when the Big Guy hits the rack.

Many of the very progressives are very happy about this time-saving component of the religion. After a school shooting, now they can save 9 characters on their tweets by writing,  "COME ON MAN," instead of , “Thought and prayers.“

5.Only One Commandment-  Catholic School attendees may forgo the need to spend countless hours of  tediously memorizing all ten commandments during the beginnings of their religious studies. The JBM  has streamlined this process into one easy to remember commandment. It makes it even easier to remember because it is the one thing the Big Guy does best, "Blame thy neighbor for EVERY THING." 

For example,  a man in San Francisco didn't show up for his daughter's dance recital that she so vehemently demanded that he not skip out on. He came home later that night to see his beautiful daughter Alexa crying hysterically at the door. He only needed to think what did Biden do when gas prices hit record prices. "Oh, he blamed oil companies.  Got it. I can blame her mother. " Problem solved!

6.）Less scary Hell Forget about all that talk of burning in hell for eternity just because you said a few curse words. In the JB religion,  you only have to fear being forced to face off against JB's biggest enemy - stairs. That's right. Hell in the JB Religion is an eternal walk up stairs. For you hikers out there, feel free to curse, cheat,  and steal, all you want with only an eternity of stairs climbing to pay for your sins.

7. ）The Confession Secret- They don't tell you this until after you have been formally accepted into the religion.  This religion has a very progressive ideology for its Confession policy. 

First of all, you don’t need to drive down to your local murthy-smelling booth on Saturday morning.  

Now, you can just hop on zoom, and they have a Zoom background of Joe creepily whiffing up a young 12 year old's hair just to remind you that not even the big guy is perfect.

Next, instead of spending several hours on a Saturday  waiting to tell the priest about all your pre-marital sex, drug use, and excessive porn-binging, you can simply just pick your most heinous sin, and make a promise to the priest  to turn in your gas-guzzling vehicle to go electric in exchange for making this sin.

For each additional sin, you can be forgiven by calling up friends and pestering them into making a promise to get an electric car. The best part about this is, since Joey B. never delivers on a promise, you don't need to either. 

If you simply agree that you will one day do the exchange, as the great JB would say, "You're good, Man.“

8.)The Abolishment Of The Sin Of Anger- 

The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26-27, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Allowing the seed of anger to fester within us is giving the devil a foothold in our relationships."

After JB's incoherent rant about how angry he is that Americans are complaining about not being able to buy food and gas, VPT got JB to ink an executive order that abolished anger as a sin.  For added drama, Biden kicked over the garbage can as he left the oval office after signing. 

9..Priests - All Priests must fail a public speaking test before being ordained as Priests. in the JBM,  incoherent public speakers just like the big guy himself.  And since the only commandment in the JB Religion is to blame thy neighbor for EVERY THING, it's really easy to just blame their poorly delivered sermons whenever you commit a sin.

Well, there ya have it. Religion is now as simple as blaming your neighbor for everything and a couple of  other random tasks. Even better, very progressive Thad stole 50 percent of the collection jar. So, now he is already a millionaire. 

My Secret Weapon: Cancer Came, It Saw, I won

The Worst Headache Ever!

 Do you know those headaches you get when you lick the ice cream way too fast; even though your Mom warned you ahead of time not to do it? I got one of those headaches one day, and it didn’t go away for three years. The worst part was that I didn’t even have any ice cream on the first day that I got the headache. 

Three long days went by. After watching enough movies that even a little kid could get sick of watching movies, I was still crying away, about how bad my head hurt. Finally, Mom grabbed her keys on one Friday morning.

“Billy,  we’re going to see Doctor Tommy. Get your shoes on.” 

“Can we take Lucy with us?”

“Billy,  Doctor Tommy doesn’t let dogs inside his office. This is the last time I’m gonna tell you. Get your shoes on.”

We could have seen a million and ten cars on the way to the doctor with a sign on the side of their car that said, “Look out the window, Billy, and we’ll give you four million bags of M&M’s,” I still wouldn’t have gotten a single piece of free candy on the way to Dr. Tommy’s office.

After we got there, Nurse Brenda took my mom and I into the patient’s room. The place looked like the time my art teacher made us all draw a bunch of pictures about how to not get sick. 

Drawing a bunch of stupid pictures  in Mrs. Zamaddux’s room would have been way better than what I was about to go through. 

 Nurse Brenda said, “ Dr. Tommy will be here in just a few minutes.”  

From what my mom tells me, I cried even louder while we were waiting, than the time my little sister Olivia bawled when I socked her in the belly after she beat me at some stupid Hula Hoop game. 

Dr. Timmy finally came in. 

“Hey Billy. What’s the matter, Bud?”

“My eyes hurt, my head hurts.”

Then, I started to cry some more. 

After I finally stopped crying, he did his usual thing. He looked in between my ears, and down my throat, and a bunch of other stuff. After that,  he told me to sleep a lot, drink a bunch of water, and he gave me the pink medicine that he always used to give me. This medicine was more reliable than John Graden’s throws to Marco Rivera. Only this time, the medicine didn’t work.

Bulls Go Up, Chickens Go Down!

Well. If my body was a quarterback, it threw an interception to what would be the meanest cornerback in the NFL. However, this CB did not wear a jersey, and only lived inside some people’s bodies. Its name was Cancer. On November 11, 2018, I was diagnosed with Brain Cancer. 

For my whole life before I got cancer, my dad used to tell my sister Olivia and I at least once a week, “Ya ‘ see kids. If you plop a bull and a chicken right in the middle of a mountain, the bull will keep charging up the hill, and the chicken will go back down. The bottom of the mountain is no place to be either, kids. The view is uglier than the view from the bottom of Olivia’s room when she doesn’t throw her clothes in the hamper. So, I can only pray that I am raising a pair of bulls.” 

On the day that they told me that I had cancer,  I knew from the second the words came out of Dr. Tommy’s mouth that I had to Bull Up, I had to win!.

My Two Secret Weapons

Eventually,  I thought of two things that could give me the strength and the courage to  Bull Up. The first one came to me as easy as beating my sister at basketball. This weapon was watching John Graden throw touchdown passes. No matter how sick I felt, I spent at least two hours every day watching his highlights on ESPN. For me, his ESPN clips felt better than the time our football team won the Pee-Wee Championship.

The other thing that helped me Bull Up was playing for my own football team. Over the last three years of getting all these cancer treatments, it didn’t matter how many times that I threw up the night before, or how dizzy I felt even just minutes before the game; I still went to almost every practice, and 100 % of my games.  At the end of every practice or game, Coach Thomas would lead all the kids in a prayer to ask God to keep giving his little warrior , Bodacious, the power to fight on,  (READ HERE ABOUT BODACIOUS) Bodacious was the name Coach Thomas gave me.

I won 

Now, I’m going to mash up a bowl of truth.

Two days before John Graden threw six touchdowns to help the San Diego JackRabbits win the 2021 Super Bowl, I was as close to death as John Graden was to winning the league MVP during his rookie season.

One morning after one of my treatments, things got extremely scary. I had stopped breathing, This meant all the nurses and all the doctors in the entire hospital had to come into my room to help save me. 

I’m not sure if it were a couple of minutes or a couple of hours later, but I was plopped down on my bed in the position of an angel, with a football in his hand. The ball was actually in my hand, Truth Mash.  That was when my mom, dad, and sister tip-toed into the room like they were looking at a ghost.  Later on, Olivia said that the beeping machines were driving her crazy, but she could forgive me because I almost died.  

All three of them crowded around my bed, and held onto my hand.  Then, my eyes opened up. I said, “Is the JackRabbits game on yet?”

My dad just grabbed my head and said, “Two more days buddy. Two more days. Through all of this,you’ve never been a chicken. I’m proud of you buddy. Keep fighting. Bull up!” 

After that, my mom and my sister started to cry; even though Olivia will never admit to it. I still remember her weeping. 

I really do believe that the only reason that I was able to keep fighting was because I didn’t want to miss that game. And, guess what, two days later, The Jack Rabbits won the game. It was mostly due to the fact that Graden threw six touchdown passes!

The Real WIn- Getting Out Of The Hospital

Two days after the San Diego Jack Fires won the big game, the doctors at the San Diego County Children’s hospital declared that I was starting to improve, a lot. So, they took me to do a special procedure to look at my brain. 

When the doctor came into my hospital room after the procedure, his feet shuffled as he stood in front of my bed. He looked down at the floor. I could hear the beeping machines coming from a ton of directions. 

He popped his head up. He looked at my mom, my dad, my sister, and my nurses. Then, he opened up the envelope he was holding in his hand, with a picture of my brain.

“You know what this is, Billy?”

“A picture that says I don’t have Brain Cancer anymore? At least, I hope.”

“It is, Congratulations!”

The doctor turned to my mom and dad.

“This boy fights like a bull. I have never seen a recovery so fast, in my 27 years of treating patients with cancer.” 

On the way home,  I said to my mom and dad, “What can we do to celebrate that I beat cancer?” They both said together, “Anything, of course. “ 

“Really? Like go to the San Diego Jack Rabbits Home Opener Next Year?”

My sister rolled her eyes since she hated football. But, my dad gave my mom his credit card so she could order the tickets before we even got home. 

Sign It Up!

The day before the game finally arrived. My sister Olivia had an idea. “Hey, how about you make one of those signs that we see fans holding up on TV sometimes?”

“What should I put on it?”

She said, “I don’t know. How about John Graden Helped Me NOT DIE?”

“Shut up, Stupid!”

After we argued about who is dumber, we settled on, “John Graden Helped Me Beat Brain Cancer.” 

Dad drove us to the game the next morning.The game  started off kind of slow and boring. There were only like a couple of touchdowns during the first couple of hours of the game. But, the big moment eventually came in the fourth quarter. 

“Here’s the snap. “

“Graden!”

“Looking left.”

“Dodges the sack.” 

“He’s got a man.”

….

“It’s Rivera!”

“He’s off to the races.”

“Touch down, San Diego!!”

I don’t actually know if that was what the announcer said. But, it had to sound something pretty similar to that. I do know what happened at Jack Ryan Stadium, and it was freaking awesome.  

After the touchdown, John Graden ran past the end zone, and right for the seats. He just so happened to be running towards the same seats that we were sitting in.  

Olivia took off my JackRabbits hat, and slapped me right across the noggin, "Put up your sign."

“John Graden Helped Me Beat Brain Cancer.”  

I never thought John Graden would see the sign, or anything like that when Olivia told me to make the sign.

But,  there he was,  my hero, the quarterback for the San Diego JackRabbits.

Graden put his hand up for a high-five.

 Even though I was higher up than him, he didn't do that stupid thing my dad used to do when I was real short  when he gives me a high-five.  My dad used to put his hand up and make me think that I would be able to jump up and touch his hand. At the last freaking second, he pulled  his hand away. 

After we high-fived,  he looked at me and said,  “I'm really glad to meet you,  Kid. You are the true hero.”

I tried to act as cool as I could. But, I felt like I had just floated away, up into heaven.  

To be honest,  now I feel like it was kind of worth it to have had all those needles stuck inside me for the last three years, since now I know what it feels like to have the greatest quarterback of all time call me HIS hero.

Follow-Up

Based on a true story about a remarkable hero named Noah Reed's interaction with NFL Legend, Tom Brady. Learn more HERE

Love Conquers All

The Great Escape

The crack of thunder rattled the barn windows. Crazy Legs & Black Beast stared into each other's enormous blue eyes.  The black of their noses lightly grazed one another.

"Neigh!"

"Neigh!"

"Neigh!"

On the count of three neighs, both of the  great beauties dashed out the red and white barn door, and into the High Plains ,Georgia, night. They left the screaming pigs,  meowing barn cats, and howling pooches behind them. 

Only two obstacles stood in their way. The first challenge would be finding their way through the chest high grass. The other hurdle would be the treacherously slippery grass in this torrential rainstorm.  

This daring move to outsmart their viciously cruel owner, Jim Handy, had never been attempted before, by any of the animals in mean Old Jim Handy’s barn.

Run For The Hills

A mile of rolling hills, and rain-soaked grass had passed, as natural as the moon passes over the sun, every night. Crazy Legs unknowingly continued to plow ahead without his soulmate. His legs thundered through the tall grass without ever losing momentum. He was going faster than the time he won the High Plains Georgia Grand Stakes Race. 

In the meantime, Black Beast was standing on the hill, and letting the rain trounce her beautiful silky fur coat.

Fear took over Crazy Legs. He couldn't see his lover, in the rain.  He hoped she would catch up soon. He didn't know the dangerous truth.

"Run, Black Beauty!  Run!"

Crazy Legs realized he had to wait for his darling.  He found cover under a maple tree at the bottom of a hill. He beighed three times with all of his power. 

"Black Beauty, Baby. Black Beauty!"

"Where are you?"

Crazy Legs began to cry.

"I have been looking forward to this day since the first day of Seventh Horse Grade. "

Still bo sign of his one and only true love. 

Crazy Legs cried even louder, and harder. 

The Power Of Love

Finally,  Crazy Legs circled back. He knew his Soul Mate's problem. 

For fifteen horse years, before every rain storm, Black Beast had heard their viscous owner, mean old Jim Handy tell his wife Cindy Handy,  ,

"It's gonna rain cats and dogs. And, you know I only fear one thing in this world. This fear is that all the cats and dogs in this world that I have tortured will fall from the sky in one prolific rain storm.  Then, they will attack me for all the times I tied their tails together. We must get inside. "

This constant declaration by mean old Jim Handy had instilled an obscure fear in the beautiful horse.  She feared for many years now that  on the night of her wedding to Crazy Legs that she was going to be killed by a dog or a cat falling from a rainy sky, since she knew they planned to be married on a rainy night. 

Crazy Legs finally found her, standing still as an ice cube would stand in the Siberian Forrest.

"Black Beauty! It's not really going to rain Cats and Dogs!"

"How do you know it won't rain Cats and Dogs, Crazy Legs?"

"Love always overpowers fear. And, my love for you will certainly overpower your fear of death on our special nigbt."

Crazy Legs had been telling Black Beauty now for five horse years that this night would come They would escape the wrath of mean old Jim Handy on a rainy night, and take one another's hoof in horse marriage, by no later than June 27th, at 11:59 p.m.

Was it good fortune, or destiny? Black Beauty snapped out of her funk. She began to run up and down the rolling hills again. This time, she trotted stride for stride with Crazy Legs.

Eventually, she led the way.  She was guiding them  to their favorite maple tree. It was the same place that they hoof swore back in Seventh Horse Grade that they would marry by this night. . 

As the run continued,  silence like two old pals watching TV together on a Friday night ensued They scurried ten more slippery miles to their favorite tree. When they arrived at the tree, Crazy Legs' best man, Stallion Eyes was waiting with a horse tux for Crazy Legs, just like he promised him five years ago. Black Beauty's best horse woman , Purple Beauty, was waiting for her with a horse dress. 

After they each got dressed, they realized that they were missing the most important horse. . His name was, Reverend Ed. Ed was.the horse in charge of marrying horses in High Plains, Georgia.

Black Beauty nearly collapsed with sadness when she didn’t see him. If Reverend Ed did not show up within the next five minutes,  they were never going to be able to get married by June 27th, 1969, and she did not want to start a life together with someone whose first promise was not fulfilled. 

Crazy Legs rubbed his ear against the side of Black Beauty's face. 

"It will be OK. There is nothing to fear, while my love is here. "

"Are you sure Crazy Legs? "

"Why of course! Love conquers all!"

They heard a voice. The voice was coming from a talking tree. This chatter from a tree stunned Crazy Legs and Black Beauty.  They had heard their human masters talk. They had also heard dogs in the barn talk,  cats talk, and outside pigs talk, but never a tree talking.  They had only ever heard a tree singing before.  

"Hey Horses, come here. Don't worry. "

The group walked slowly towards the tree. 

"Reverend Ed couldn't make it tonight due to the rainy weather.  But, he told me that you guys were coming. And, I am a tree Reverend that can also marry animals. So, let's get on with it since I know you have a 12 o'clock deadline to meet. "

Love Conquers All

Just as the rain stopped, Mr. Reverend Tree pronounced Crazy Legs and Black Beast Horse Bride and Horse Groom. The pronouncement came at exactly 11:59 on their last day of Twelth Horse Grade

As he watched their beautiful Horse Kiss, Mr. Reverend Tree declared to all the trees in the Forrest that love does conquer all. 

Black Beauty pulled her lips away for a moment. 

"Crazy Legs. You were right. Your love for me  conquers all. "

3 TTT's (Things to think about)

1. Inspiration- I got the idea for the story after I read a classic novel originally published in Victorian Times called , Black Beauty. The author Anna Sewell wrote the book to introduce the idea of treating horses with kindness and empathy.  Even though,  she died shortly after publication, the book has served as an important tool in the promotion of animal right for more than a century 

2.  Fear of Raining Cats & Dogs - A British poet in 1738 named Jonathan Swift wrote a satire where one of the main characters, an upper-classmen has an irrational fear of r

3. Love- Love conquers all is one of the most cliche expressions available in the English language. Do you truly believe love conquers all? If you do believe so, can love possibly conquer  one of the most existential threats we face right now regarding a power hungry Vladimir Putin? What is Putin afraid of?