How America’s Newest Progressive Religion Was Born & Its 9 Advantages

 A  white unemployed man named Thad , who describes his own political beliefs as very progressive- transformed his life last month. He went from a pot-smoking loser, to the father of an extremely progressive religion. This change came after a realization that how he won a video game could make him filthy rich.

The dramatic reform began on a Friday afternoon,  in San Francisco. Thad was on a 13 hour bender of marijuana edibles and X-Box. He was losing 3-2 at Fifa Soccer as Team USA, to team France.  In a desperate attempt to make a comeback, Thad dropped to his hands and knees. He incoherently mumbled a prayer, "I really wanna win. Come on, Man. "

After the prayer, the game quickly swung in Thad's favor. First, he was awarded a phantom penalty kick which tied up the game during the final minute. With one second on the clock, his opponent kicked the ball into his own net to put him ahead, 4-3.

The incoherent mumbling coupled  with the random, "Come on, Man ," sparked an idea. This reminded him of a man that was very nearly his own God and savior, the great Joe Biden. 

From there, he thought of the best possible way to turn this into a money-making opportunity.  It clicked. He could start a religion called the Joe Biden Movement or JBM.

In  one month,  the movement  gained  all but one of San Francisco‘s 873, 324 residents as followers on Tik-Tok. Fox News interviewed the one remaining S.F. resident who is not yet  a Tik～Tok follower or a  JBM follor. His name is  Wilbur.  He told Fox News correspondent Tucker Carlson,

"Do I look dumber than a kid licking an electrical socket to you? 

"No Sir, you don’t look anything like the Establishment. Please, go on."

"Tik-Tok only has 2 things. "

"First thing  is idiots  who have never left their mom's basement talking  about why America is broken," 

"Second thing  is girls dancing in front of their bathroom mirror ?"

Tucker laughed. 

"Only a tool would watch that, Tucker？“

Word of an old white man daring to say that Tik-Tok was not a viable source of information consumption for the entire planet got back to Thad. This infuriated him so much that he started a hash tag that is now going viral, #cancelwilbur.

After the Hashtag was started, one of Wilbur's teachers from forty years back came out with a shocking revelation.It was truly horrifying.  Wilbur once showed a bad attitude during a lesson on Square Dancing in P.E. Class.

A month passed quicker than a socket licker could fail the Science exam,  and the JBM is on pace to surpass Christianity as the most popular Religion in America.  From this writer's perspective,  these are the nine advantages of the JBM.

1.）Say Goodbye To Easter Sunday Mass, & Hello to Free Crack

Easter in the Catholic religion is all about God's son, Jesus, and his incredible journey where he died for our sins on the cross.  The leader of the JBM decided in true Progressive spirit to honor the most terrible man alive, the big guy's son, Hunter Biden.

While Jesus valued love and forgiveness,  Hunter has also lead a tirelessly passionate and devout life in chasing after the thing most valuable to him, Crack .

 

Thad  brokered a deal as shady as some of Hunter's deals with Ukranian oil companies. Now,  the crack dealers  have agreed to offer all products free of charge to JBM followers.

2.）Hunter's Doctrine

From the Koran to the Bible, all religions seem to have left behind some dusty old book for its followers to guide their lives The leader determined that this new religion also needed a Good Book. He is calling it Hunter‘s Doctrine.

In a very progressive move even for Thad , he chose twelve of Hunter‘s disciples to record his most prominent teachings while writing the book. His chosen disciples happened to be twelve of Hunter's favorite prostitutes. 

The most popular section to date is how to get your elderly father to wire you tens of thousands of dollars for Crack. (READ MORE)

3.）Automatic Admittance Into Heaven For HyperOsmiacs  

We have all seen the big guy’s off-the-charts-creepy hairsniffing escapades.  Thad declared that Joe does this because he is affected by a rare condition of called hyperosmia.

Hyperosmia is a condition where people have the ability to pick up the subtlest of odors. The JBM Leader has declared that JB sniffs hair creepier than a child molester drives a van through the park, because he is doing God‘s work. 

Hyperosmia sufferers have been granted automatic admittance into the pearly gates of Heaven since the big guy suffered so much scrutiny throughout his political career  just for doing God‘s work. 

If you suffer from this condition,  you can get as creepy as you like. So, sniff up the perfumes and lady farts however much you want, because you got a guaranteed pass to Heaven

4.）Simplification  of  the prayer system

JBM followers don't need to worry about time-consuming Christian prayers such as the Hail Mary. Whether you are looking for a large bribe from the Chinese government,  or forgiveness for millions of dollars in tax fraud JBM followers only need to cross their cross their hands and say, " I need ____ Come on, Man,"The movement urges followers to say your prayers before 8 p.m., because that's when the Big Guy hits the rack.

Many of the very progressives are very happy about this time-saving component of the religion. After a school shooting, now they can save 9 characters on their tweets by writing,  "COME ON MAN," instead of , “Thought and prayers.“

5.Only One Commandment-  Catholic School attendees may forgo the need to spend countless hours of  tediously memorizing all ten commandments during the beginnings of their religious studies. The JBM  has streamlined this process into one easy to remember commandment. It makes it even easier to remember because it is the one thing the Big Guy does best, "Blame thy neighbor for EVERY THING." 

For example,  a man in San Francisco didn't show up for his daughter's dance recital that she so vehemently demanded that he not skip out on. He came home later that night to see his beautiful daughter Alexa crying hysterically at the door. He only needed to think what did Biden do when gas prices hit record prices. "Oh, he blamed oil companies.  Got it. I can blame her mother. " Problem solved!

6.）Less scary Hell Forget about all that talk of burning in hell for eternity just because you said a few curse words. In the JB religion,  you only have to fear being forced to face off against JB's biggest enemy - stairs. That's right. Hell in the JB Religion is an eternal walk up stairs. For you hikers out there, feel free to curse, cheat,  and steal, all you want with only an eternity of stairs climbing to pay for your sins.

7. ）The Confession Secret- They don't tell you this until after you have been formally accepted into the religion.  This religion has a very progressive ideology for its Confession policy. 

First of all, you don’t need to drive down to your local murthy-smelling booth on Saturday morning.  

Now, you can just hop on zoom, and they have a Zoom background of Joe creepily whiffing up a young 12 year old's hair just to remind you that not even the big guy is perfect.

Next, instead of spending several hours on a Saturday  waiting to tell the priest about all your pre-marital sex, drug use, and excessive porn-binging, you can simply just pick your most heinous sin, and make a promise to the priest  to turn in your gas-guzzling vehicle to go electric in exchange for making this sin.

For each additional sin, you can be forgiven by calling up friends and pestering them into making a promise to get an electric car. The best part about this is, since Joey B. never delivers on a promise, you don't need to either. 

If you simply agree that you will one day do the exchange, as the great JB would say, "You're good, Man.“

8.)The Abolishment Of The Sin Of Anger- 

The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26-27, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Allowing the seed of anger to fester within us is giving the devil a foothold in our relationships."

After JB's incoherent rant about how angry he is that Americans are complaining about not being able to buy food and gas, VPT got JB to ink an executive order that abolished anger as a sin.  For added drama, Biden kicked over the garbage can as he left the oval office after signing. 

9..Priests - All Priests must fail a public speaking test before being ordained as Priests. in the JBM,  incoherent public speakers just like the big guy himself.  And since the only commandment in the JB Religion is to blame thy neighbor for EVERY THING, it's really easy to just blame their poorly delivered sermons whenever you commit a sin.

Well, there ya have it. Religion is now as simple as blaming your neighbor for everything and a couple of  other random tasks. Even better, very progressive Thad stole 50 percent of the collection jar. So, now he is already a millionaire.